Lessons about performing, lesson twenty: Learn time management skills!

This is the twentieth entry! Holy balls! I can’t believe we’ve come this far – or that it has gone this quickly. Click here to read the whole list of rules for performing musicians.

I know, this may come off cheesy, but I really do love the feedback and comments. I didn’t expect it to make more than a few entries on this blog and call it good. I surely didn’t expect to make this list. When I started this list, I expected it’d go to maybe five.

It seems I’m really not good at expectations when it comes to this list.

The ‘net tells me that I’m lucky to get even 1000 visitors a month, that most sites get barely any. Play Guitar has had something like 1,200 visitors in the past 30 days and just keeps growing. Y’all chew through some bandwidth, too. You’ve eaten about a GB, so far this month. It’s all good. I’m probably going to throw ads on here someday.

My point is, that I don’t deserve that. I’m not that great a writer and people say things much better than I do. I’m verbose, sloppy, and hardly ever manage to stay on topic. (Probably weed’s fault, again!)

I’m also not as productive as it looks like. See, WordPress (the software that runs this site) has a delightful feature I just recently learned about. It’s allowing me to schedule stuff. So, I take my free time and write – even if it’s just 20 minute blocks. (That’s the minimum amount of free time I’ll accept.) Then, three of those makes a full hour – or about how long it’ll probably take me to pound out 1,000 words that makes this article.

Which is a hell of a damned good lead, if I do say myself, into this very topic! (I’m getting better at these damned intros!) Continue reading “Lessons about performing, lesson twenty: Learn time management skills!”

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Things look very different from the stage, part 3.5

I’ve decided to number this shit a little differently. This one shall be known as 3.5! My next show will be 4 and we’ll continue like that. Though, frankly, I’m not exactly sure what the whole point of these articles are.

If I had to say I was trying to explain something, I’d end up changing that every time. There doesn’t seem to be any basic message of importance. I guess, in a way, I’m trying to humanize your entertainment.

That’s what I am. I’m your entertainment. You pay me to entertain you. Given my experience in the industry, you now pay me quite well to entertain you.

Today’s gig is going to pay more than Dr. Hook was making.

We sing about beauty and we sing about truth,
At ten-thousand dollars a show.

I costs almost half that just to pay my band and any show expenses. They’ve been good band members, so they’ll be getting a bonus tonight. (They get paid the same amount and I pay them directly, processing the books afterwards. Otherwise, they’d have to wait for the check I just got to be processed.)

Err… Yes, yes some folks still do use checks! Continue reading “Things look very different from the stage, part 3.5”

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Lessons about performing, lesson nineteen: You should probably be soberish!

If you don’t know what I’m doing, then do try to catch up. Basically, I’m telling you all the rules you need to know – if you want to be a professional performing musician.

Granted, it’s a horrible idea – but who among you hasn’t thought about how awesome it must be to stand in front of a crowd of screaming fans – some of them showing you their tits. (Seriously, just lift up your shirt and show the ladies your own man-boobs and they’ll reciprocate. Not all tits are equal, some are much better than others. You have been warned.)

I kinda hate these intros, but someone has to write ’em – or my front page looks like ass. Also, ignore that strange cookie notice. I had to disable my usual one, ’cause I can’t figure out what I did to make that happen. (Weed was a factor.)

You know what? Enough of this damned intro! I’ve got stuff to say!
Continue reading “Lessons about performing, lesson nineteen: You should probably be soberish!”

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Things look very different from the stage, part three.

Well, I’m now on part three of this and I didn’t actually expect it to become a series or a regular thing. I still have the two main series going and, frankly, the only reason I’m able to do this is because I have learned to manage my time well.

The reality is, I don’t know why I write these, nor for whom I write them. I simply write them because they seem like they need to be written. I write them because you find them interesting, read them, and feed me delicious ego points to let me know that you enjoyed yourself.

I don’t actually care about the points. I care about the comments and the number of people who read the silliness I pass through the keyboard. Those are the things that make it worth doing. Those little comments that you add may seem like nothing, but they’re like Super Mario Coins to me.

Let me get some more herbal inspiration into me… Continue reading “Things look very different from the stage, part three.”

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Lessons about performing; lesson eighteen: You’re gonna be poor!

I’ve touched on this subject before, but I wanted to write an whole lesson on it. See, I’m trying to tell you the reality about becoming a professional performing musician. I’m trying to give you the list of rules that nobody else seems willing to write and put in one spot. Here’s the full list.

I don’t want this article to turn you off. I want it to make you believe you can do better. I just want you to be realistic about your chances and what you can expect the numbers to look like.

So, with that in mind, I give you the next lesson… Continue reading “Lessons about performing; lesson eighteen: You’re gonna be poor!”

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Lessons about performing, lesson seventeen: Use your own equipment! (Ed. Note: Now edited to claim it has bonus content!)

You know what I’m doing. If you don’t, holy balls. Seriously… (Ed. Note: This is long. You have been warned. This is so long, it’s retarded.)(Ed. Note: Can I still call something “retarded?” ‘Cause it’s fucking retarded.)

Click the magical blue link, to see what I’m doing. Basically, I’m telling you how to be a professional performing musician. Nobody else tells you. I might as well. I wasn’t doing anything better.

Y’know… The hardest thing, to writing these, is coming up with these damned intros. Seriously, they’re a pain in the ass. I never know what to say in them. So, you’ll get this:

The lesson I was going to share, I decided to first consult an expert and then I’m awaiting consultation with my lawyer. No, I’m not kidding. I want to tell you how to not die from electrocution, but I’m not sure I want to assume legal liability – or that any liability could be incurred.

So, if you never see that article, I have one word for you: Lawyer.

Also, if you never see that article, call a professional. Okay? I know you won’t listen, but I’m gonna be legally obligated to tell you that. Before drawing down 30,000 watts, ask a few questions from someone who knows what they’re talking about! (Ed. Note: This is why RSM is never gonna contact me to write for them. Good.)

That means you get this lesson – which isn’t substandard, it’s just not where it was meant to be. Sheesh!

(Also, I’m as shocked as you are that I’ve made it this far.)(Ed. Note: Me too!)
Continue reading “Lessons about performing, lesson seventeen: Use your own equipment! (Ed. Note: Now edited to claim it has bonus content!)”

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Things look very different from the stage; part two. I don’t know your name.

I wrote the first one and I’m still not exactly sure for whom I was writing or what the goal was. However, folks seemed to like it and I was told I should continue it.

Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten any of the other two series. This is just something fun. I don’t know how long it will last, how frequent I’ll make these entries, but I have pretty much decided I’m going to try to share what it’s like from the other side – albeit from a very small-scale music professional.
Continue reading “Things look very different from the stage; part two. I don’t know your name.”

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Lessons about performing, lesson sixteen: Security is Important!

Gotta write another damned intro… This might be the hardest part! Otherwise, the front page is a damned mess. It is, too. I’m way too wordy for a blog. Shit, I’m half-tempted to use page breaks.

It occurs to me that I should never do a “Top Five Widgets List!” That’d be like a mile long. I better stick to this format. Sheesh…

I’m kinda baffled y’all keep reading these.

Where was I? Oh…

Here’s the complete list of rules for performing musicians. (Hopefully, I’ll have that list updated by the time you read this. I’m a slacker.) Basically, they don’t seem to put this stuff in books. So, that leaves the job up to me. There’s probably people better suited to doing this job, but you get me.

Sorry ’bout that. I’m all ya got between you and 38,000 screaming fans who want to steal your stuff, a manager that drinks your booze, and a bassist who’s been making eyes at your backup vocals – all of them, including their voice effects.

This one is about the first on that list. Security!
Continue reading “Lessons about performing, lesson sixteen: Security is Important!”

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Lessons about performing, lesson fifteen: Remember your fans!

Well, somehow we made it to #15 and didn’t get distracted, bored, or impatient. When I began this series, I had no idea how long it was going to last. I still don’t. I’m not actually that well prepared, so I have no idea how many entries this will have.

What I do know is that I’m writing this on a Monday and it’s to be automatically published later this week. I’m ahead of the game!

If you don’t know what I’m doing, click this link! The short version is that there don’t appear to be any books or sites really dedicated to giving you the rules you need to in order to be a successful professional performing musician.

I’d like to thank @crazy_eyes for having gone ahead and decided to become a performing musician. It was him (and a second person asking about the first rule) that gave me the idea. I did some searching and realized that nobody else had really written this stuff down, so I figured I might as well do it.

By the way, if you’re interested in copying these to publish elsewhere, let me know. My answer will depend on who you are and where you intend to publish them. For example, Rolling Stone Magazine can republish them – at the cost of $50,000 per word. Everyone else can probably do it just for linking back to the source and giving credit. Just ask and we’ll work something out. (It’d be nice if you’d edit ’em up for me!)

Anyhow, our next lesson…
Continue reading “Lessons about performing, lesson fifteen: Remember your fans!”

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Things look very different from the stage; part one.

I call this part one, but it’s really just a stream of shit that slams my face once in a while and says, “Write about me, asshole.” So, in my defense, writing about this isn’t really my choice. It’s just something I have to do.

I could see this being a series. But, I don’t actually know what part two would look like, as I’m not even sure what the point of the first part is.

I’m also not sure who I’m writing this to, or for. It could fit anywhere and it could be for anyone. I suppose that means it’s for you. Do with it as you may. They’re just words. I’ll make more!
Continue reading “Things look very different from the stage; part one.”

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