I have found a pipe organ in a secular facility. Today, my quest begins. Without further introduction:
They tell me that I’m sane. You’ll see why that’s important.
This is going to be long. This is going to be very long. I’m also serious. I’m very serious. This is a serious matter!
You have been warned.
It should also be known that I’m not even a little sorry for what I’m about to do.
For reasons that are too long to get into, I sent a hoard of people on a quest to find me a pipe organ, preferably in a secular facility. Your name came back on the list.
I should probably start at the beginning.
Because I will be publishing this, I will simply say that my name is David G. I’m an accomplished guitarist, old and retired, and have a dream. (I also have money, if that helps.)
Seriously, I’m pretty good. I’m not very famous for playing guitar, but I have performed for many, many people – mostly drunk people. Pretty sweet, huh?
Except, I play guitar like this:
Told ya, I ain’t even a little kidding. I can play a guitar.
Alas, most of my career has been me playing music such as this:
See? Wasn’t kidding. I can play the snot out of a guitar. I’ve been at it for almost 5 decades.
Sadly, musicians make very little money – as a general rule. So, my actual real career was that of a mathematician but I’ve given up my heathen ways and mostly concentrate on music, now that I’m retired.
I think those all go in the plus column!
I have played a piano. I have taken formal piano lessons. I have even played *at* an organ in a church, multiple times. (I can’t believe they let me do such things! I’ve even been asked to ring the bell. Pretty awesome, huh?)
I’m the kinda guy who can’t walk past a music store without window shopping. I can’t see an instrument and not want to touch it. Some fuzzy memories tell me that I’m probably kicked out of at least two museums for just such a thing!
So, now that you know a little about me… Let’s move on!
I have zero idea how to play a pipe organ. None.
Let’s just get that little detail right out of the way.
Frankly, I hardly think that should matter!
See, I’m 99.9% confident (trust me, I’m a mathematician) that being allowed to play a pipe organ is pretty much the best day ever.
That’s right. I’m on to your little secret. I know darned well that playing a pipe organ has to be pretty much the most awesome thing on the planet. You’re not fooling me any.
I want in.
Not for long, but I’d like a four hour block of time and probably should have someone there to tell me what not to do.
I will give you money. I will even pay someone to stand there and not yell at me too much while I struggle to play the merry tune of my people.
Frankly, the sheer volume of air that you folks move is inspiring. I have actually met people who don’t understand when I say, “Man, I want to play a pipe organ.” They’re just not good people. No, they are not good people.
I will not break your pipe organ and I will follow instructions. I will even wear my pants!
Umm… I might also have a small camera crew and I’ll ask them nicely to wear their pants.
No, I don’t have anything specific to play. Like I said, I don’t even know how to play a pipe organ. Not a clue, but it has stops, pedals, and a keyboard. I know enough music theory and I’ve played a whole variety of instruments.
Heck, I’ve played a grand harp before! That’s right, it was even a pedal harp. (It lets you cheat and once you know where middle C is, you can play anything!)
I know some music theory… Yeah… I ain’t scared of your pipe organ – but I will respect it.
I’d absolutely love to come play your pipe organ. I’m telling you, it’ll be a good time. I’d love it if you even had an audience there. That’d sweeten the deal! (We may need to chain them in, but once again I remind you that I’m not scared.)
I guess my ultimate question is, can I play your pipe organ? I promise to behave.
If the answer is no, my next question is can I bribe you and play your pipe organ? I have a few bucks.
If it’s still no, my next question is if it will help if I pretend I have cancer and that I’m from the Make-A-Wish Foundation? (Trust me, I can come up with these all day long.)
I have the entire month of January off and I’m not actually sure what I’m going to do with it. I’m pretty sure playing a pipe organ should be on the list of things to do! Anyone who doesn’t have “play a pipe organ” on their list of things to do is just broken inside.
Thank you in advance! If you need more examples of my playing merry tunes, you go ahead and ask! I’ll send ’em along! Somewhere around here, I have me playing every instrument for Rush’s XYZ, but I didn’t think you’d necessarily appreciate that.
I’m on a mission. You’ll be jealous. You’ll see. I shall update you with any news!
Until next time…
Shut up and play us a song!