I’m doing smashing, thanks!

Today, I don’t even really hurt that much. I haven’t even eaten a pain pill yet today. My body doesn’t feel that bad and, at this moment in time and if I’m doing it properly, my spleen doesn’t even feel swollen!

I’m still devoid of energy, but I feel pretty damned good – comparably speaking, of course. I feel like I can constantly use a nap, except I can’t actually sleep. I’ve never been a big fan of sleeping and my body doesn’t seem to like doing so. But, I feel like I could sleep for days.

It’s reached the point where it’s damned annoying, to be quite blunt about it. I will deal with it, but not without complaint. I’m grateful that I’m at least not sore. Even my throat isn’t feeling bad!

I never did get the promised rash. Trust me. I looked everywhere for it. I’m pretty disappointed about not getting the rash. I was told I’d get a rash. I got no rash. I feel deprived.

And now for what might be the most inappropriate story you’ll read all day. I was going to share it last night, but I was on a tablet. Today, I shall share it! I probably shouldn’t, but I’m gonna. It’s what I do!

~makes spooky intro music sounds~

Last night, I went and watched a movie with the missus and the eldest hoodlum. It was one they picked and I don’t even remember the title. They enjoyed it and I partook.

Midway through the movie, the eldest hoodlum started coughing and was saying her throat hurt. The conversation follows and went something like this:

EH: *cough cough* Ow! My throat hurts. I probably have mono!
Helga: No. you don’t have mono.
EH: Do too have mono!
Helga: No, you don’t. David hasn’t been kissing you.
EH: Well, not when you’re watching!
Both: Cackles of laughter as they both felt this was the funnies thing ever.
TheBuddha: You’re both incorrigible. Real life needs an ‘ignore’ button.

In this house, we don’t actually always talk about music, math, and science. Sometimes, I’m surrounded by lunatics that crack bad jokes. Discipline, order, and deep thought are actually just as rare at my house as they probably are at your house, maybe even more rare!

With that story now out of my system, I shall move on! (The two online people who will appreciate that story know it’s for them.)

I was pondering what to write today. This is a lengthy process when there’s no reasonable way for me to smoke weed, which is a more complicated problem than you might imagine! I’ll explain…

If I cough, my throat will start hurting again. If my throat starts hurting again, I’ll want to take opiates. If I take opiates, I’ll get even more lethargic. I’m tired of being lethargic. There’s also the whole opiate abuse thing and opiate abuse leads to not pooping. I kinda like pooping. So, I’m not smoking pot. (Trust me, you don’t actually want to see the rest of what goes on inside my head.)

To write the article, I pondered the many ways to say that I’m feeling better today. Eventually, I recalled the turn of phrase, “I’m doing smashing!” In that case, it’s used to indicate that they’re doing well.

This seemed to remind me of something. It seemed like it might be important. I knew, beyond reasonable doubt, that I’d remembered this for a reason – and that I’d probably written it down.

So, I cracked open my “ArticleIdeas.txt” (which is not the most clever name, I admit) and scrolled through. After some distractions and mis-clicks, I finally found what I was looking for and the heavens burst open with sound as much rejoicing was had.

A couple of months ago (it has been that long?), I was smoking pot and talking to PMYB2 on a site known as “Poal.” (It’s a nice place to visit, though I’d suggest you put on an asbestos suit and have thick skin.)

In that conversation PMYB2, I was talking about how the universe runs on smashing. It does, too. The universe runs on smashing, not Dunkin.

Once upon a time, I envisioned turning that conversation into a 3000 word essay and explaining it all. I had a pretty good idea of where I’d take that and the memories of that intended article came flooding back. It was something that I’d put on that list, ’cause it was maybe a good article – and PMYB2 had been there to suggest such.

Reality is not often nearly as awesome as my dreams. Reality would be much more awesome if it was, but this universe cares not for justice.

Which is a rather absurd way to say, “I ain’t doing it.” I’m not doing it now. I’m not doing it tomorrow. I’m never going to turn that into a decent essay. Nope… ‘Snot gonna happen.

So, what better day to just pretty much cut, paste, edit, and pretty up that comment and turn it into an article? I can’t think of a better day. I feel pretty damned good but haven’t got much energy. (Speaking of which, the lack of energy makes it exceedingly difficult to concentrate. I think this bout of mono has given me greater understanding of the maladies that other people sometimes suffer from.)

That’d be what you’re getting today. It also serves the purpose of finally getting that entry out of my ArticleIdeas.txt file. Side note, it’s probably the least efficient organization system in the world, but it’s the one I have. You’re just getting a glimpse at a conversation from a couple of months ago.

Without further ado…

Smashing. I like smashing stuff!

Excerpt from our conversation that should probably be under the heading of ‘Formal Exploration of the Bitchin’ Solo Theorem.’


Ever notice that people doing construction or fixing cars always have music on, maybe music drove the building of the first farms. Bitchin solos could have provided the inspiration to develop the first wheel. I’m not sure any of this is even provable but its fun to theorize.


I’m pretty sure it all started with banging. Take just us humans.

We humans have been smashing things into other things since before we crawled out of trees. If I had to guess, I’d guess we developed banging stuff before we actually developed a spoken language. We’re still smashing stuff today. We haven’t changed much.

What do you think they’re doing when they use the LHC? Damned thing has “collider” in it. That right there tells you they’re smashing shit together.

Fire? Smashing shit together – and getting sparks. Houses? Well, early houses were made from animal bones – that were from animals that they smashed. They smashed trees down and made houses. They smash nails into planks.

Gasoline powered automobile? Yup… Smashing shit together. That fucker’s just a series of controlled explosions, and what are explosions if not smashing stuff?


Well, I play my guitar like a percussion instrument – all the time. That’s what “golpe” is. Tapping? Yup… Strumming? Well, sort of… You’re smashing your pick into the string, which causes atoms to move, and those are directed (and sometimes amplified by smashing electrons together in your amplifier) by means of smashing.

An example might be that energy is transferred into the air and smashes those molecules and they smash into other molecules, and that’s the air being vibrated until it smashes your eardrum and your brain smashes electrons and chemicals together to translate that into sound.

I’m telling you, the universe runs on smashing shit together!

Now, smash something into something else once. You have made a noise.

Smash it a second time. You have made a beat.

Smash it a third time. You have made it a rhythm.

If you really want to get down to brass tacks, even the very particles are smashing into each other. If there’s one thing I’ve observed about matter it is that it loves to wiggle and dance.

Seriously, matter is always in motion. Even if you get it pretty damned stable, it’s still gonna wiggle – which is why we’ll never reach a temperature of absolute zero.

Shit’s got energy in it. E=MC2. So, if it has one – then it’s got the other three – ’cause pretty much everything has energy.

And, as we know, energy is neither created or destroyed, we can see that matter is just gonna keep on wiggling – until the end of the universe. You can call the results of this wiggle “entropy.”

Shit just likes to wiggle around. Things are always smashing into each other. They wiggle so much that they will even exchange particles and, unless you add more energy to the system (give ’em a reason to dance more). That means things necessarily move into a more disordered state.

So, to rest my case, I’ll end it with this…

Eventually, matter is going to become so diffuse that we die from a heat death. That’s the likely end of the universe – shit’s expanding and there’s a finite amount of matter and a finite amount of energy and using energy to do work is a sure way to get matter to move to a disordered state.

So, eventually matter is going to be so distant that it’s unable to attract a dance partner. In other words, when we can no longer smash shit into other shit, the universe will have suffered a heat death!

The universe runs on smashing!

(I’m so stoned.)

And there you have it. There was some editing done for clarity, but not much. I just don’t have that much initiative today. This lethargic stuff drives me bonkers. It’s pretty hard to act like a 5 year old when you have the energy of a 85 year old.

At the end of the day, playing guitar is smashing shit together. Playing music to the rhythm of the universe is a time-honored tradition. We’ve been smashing shit since we came down from the trees – probably from before that, ’cause I’ve seen the documentaries with the primates in ’em. They’re always smashing stuff.

Music is just another form of smashing. We’ve made smashing into something that appeals to us. When you play for other people, you’re smashing hairs and little itty-bitty ear bones together.

Not only am I doing smashing, you’re doing smashing! We’re all smashing! Our very inner gooey bits even work ’cause they’re smashing. Our universe works the way it does because of smashing.

To which I say, “Damned right!” And, “Until next time!”

Shut up and smash us a song!

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