Seeing as I’ve got a doctor’s note…

I fucking quit.


It has been decided. I will not be doing any vocals on Saturday. Which is nice. If I play my cards right, I might never go back to doing them!

I know damned well the rest of ’em can sing well enough. I know, ’cause I thought about that ahead and time and made sure they sang when I auditioned them.

This mono stuff just keeps getting better and better!

Let’s see… So far, I’ve been told to:

Take drugs.
Get lots of rest.
Drink fluids.

Well, that first one kinda goes without saying. Getting rest means I get to lay around all day and do nothing. Drink fluids? Holy balls! There’s gonna be a shortage of cheap whiskey around here!

Sadly, I might only be able to milk this for just a couple of weeks. They don’t actually have a specific date for me that says, “You’ll be better on the 17th.” It could last for months!

Still no idea how the hell I went this long without getting immunity to mono. On the list of things I’ve put in my mouth, something covered in a fairly common virus seems like something I’d do. I’ve put stuff in my mouth that you absolutely don’t want to hear about.

I have decided to just apply my usual perspective to it.

It’s pretty much an excuse to lay around the shanty and put a good buzz on!

Let me show you how I’m spending my time… You’ll see…

Some unsuspecting poor soul fell into my (clever, I assume) trap. I’m pretty sure I trapped ’em, ’cause there’s no way the indifferent universe would ever give me such pleasures.

Which is to say, someone emailed me – with the wrong address! I don’t know who they are or who they think I am, but I’m happy they emailed me! Oh, boy… At least one of us is gonna be happy ’cause of this.

This is what his email said.

Hello,i will like to know if you do tree trimming service for home and can i know if you are the owner kindly get back to me Asap

I’m not editing a damned thing.

Wait… Read that again. Now read it through my eyes!

Damned right, I will come trim some fucking trees! HOLY BALLS! What kind of lunatic is going to let me trim trees? Even better, who’s gonna let me do it near a house!

The game was afoot! I planned my next moves with great care. I was going to get the address, pictures, and maybe even get paid to do it! Shit, that’s the kinda stuff I’ll do for free, but not one person ever asks me to.

Instead, I decided to play nice. That’s right… I was nice about it.

This was my response:

As tempting as it is to write back to you and say, “Oh, yes! Yes, I do trim trees! I even gotta chainsaw! Give to me the address and I’ll chop down everything you want!” I’m afraid that I’m absolutely not qualified to receive such an award.

Whilst I do have a chainsaw, you probably don’t want me trimming your trees. I’d love to. You don’t even want to know how much I’d love to.

See, you have the wrong email address. Even worse, out of all the many billions of wrong email addresses that exist, you got mine.

I am way out in a little place called Maine, USA. I am also retired. And, I smoke a whole lot of pot. Tons of it.

I’d absolutely love to trim some trees! However, you really, really don’t want to let me do that. ‘Snot the kinda thing insurance is gonna cover. Hells yeah, I’ll trim some trees. Can we rent one of those cherry picker thingies? This is gonna be awesome!

If you change your mind and REALLY want me to come cut some trees for you, do get back to me! Oh, yes! I even own a tractor! We can rent some midgets and turn it into an event that makes the newspaper! If these trees are awesome enough, I might even pay for it myself!

Please do respond with pictures of the trees and your collection of midgets. I will respond with my pictures of kevlar chaps and chainsaw.

No kinky stuff!


I was pretty gentle.

You know, if WordPress didn’t suck balls so much on a tablet, I’d probably write more. However, it sucks balls and using a laptop in a prone position also sucks balls.

But it does suck balls and I have a doctor’s note that says I’m supposed to get high and be lazy.

Oh, I forgot to mention!

They tried to fool me by saying (curiously in small print) that my spleen could explode. I looked. That’s a very, very low probability event. It also says that it is more likely if I roughhouse.

“I had sex so hard my spleen exploded.”

Alas, the universe hasn’t gifted me with such a grand gift. My spleen is not actually going to explode. That’s a line that I’ll never be able to use, which is unfortunate.

Seriously, you’re sitting at the bar and another old man comes up to you. You sit and talk about the things you’ve done in your life. He mentions that he once had sex with two women – and they even touched each other.

“Man, that’s nothing. I had sex so hard my spleen exploded.”

You win that round.

The universe is uncaring and I’m really, really unlikely to get to say such a thing. I’m hopeful! (The missus refuses to touch me, even with a stick and certainly not a whip.)

So, I’m not gonna die or anything. I should probably not be leaping off stacks and jumping up and down, but I’m 60… ‘Snot like I actually do that anymore. I do have to play. That position needs to be filled.

‘Snot a problem. I’ve got opiates. Give me any shit and I’ve already got a chair on the stage. I will sit in it the whole night and crack bad jokes. I know know to adjust mic stands. Ain’t nobody turning my mic off.

Alright, enough of this silliness. I’m going back to my tablet. You know where to find me. I’ll poke a laptop here and there, but I gotta lay down and enjoy my delicious apple juice. Hmm… I wonder if I can milk this enough to just stay in the bed? I’m gonna work on that. Until next time…

You go right ahead and play us the merry tune of your people!

It gets even better…

I want you to  provide me with the total cost for the tree trimming of the house this is my address (redacted)
 kindly get back to me asap thanks
I responded:
Enclosed you will find a copy of my estimate.

Labor: $0.00
Fuel: $2,800
Midgets: $5245.98
Bucket Truck: $500
Bail money: $100,000
Space ship: $250,000,000
Broken yard sale yo-yo: $0.50
And 375,000 skee ball tickets.

Please remit payment as soon as possible and I look forward to chopping
down your forest.
I am not actually sure how that formatting happened.
It’s already pretty much the best day ever. Thank you, universe!
It continues:
what’s your total estimate
My response:
$250,108,546.48 + gratuity and extra for kinky stuff.

And don't forget the skee ball tickets. You can get some at Moose Alley,
in Rangeley - but I'm pretty sure those dirty rotten bastards cheat.

David The Tree Trimmer

It did that formatting again. I wish I could do that on purpose.

They haven’t emailed me back.

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