What happens when musicians break the rules?

I’ve been doing piss-poor time management.

It was looking good.

I wrote you a giant article – one of my longest yet.

While I was intoxicated.

I’m still intoxicated.

I’m not editing that today. Nope.

So, you’re not getting a good article today. That block of time was drunkenly squandered. It’s an occupational hazard. Someone should fucking call OSHA.

What that is, is me breaking my own rules.

No, really…

That’s what happens when you break my rules for performing musicians.

You horribly mismanage your time, get shitfaced at a hotel room, and don’t actually do what you should be doing. What I should be doing is editing that article.

Ain’t doing it.

I broke my rules, got injured shitfaced on the job, and am unable to perform my daily duties.

I already told you, it’s an occupational hazard.

The best solution is to have a “safety meeting.” Maybe while we’re at that “safety meeting,” we’ll learn how to prevent these horrible occupational hazards!

Seriously, those rules are there for good reason!

I’m not really kidding about drug and alcohol use being an occupational hazard. That’s not entirely humor. It’s a real hazard and it comes with the job.

Which is why I advocate, if you’re handling drugs – know what the fuck you’re doing. Seriously, read a fucking book. If you’re gonna take drugs, know what they are and what they do. You should also know why they do what they do – and what the physiological ramifications are.

That way, you can do your drugs safely!

It’s an acquired skill, often requiring a period of apprenticeship and with very high tuition costs!

If you’re not going to read a book, at least ask an old junkie. If the junkie got old, chances are they practiced ‘harm reduction’ (knowingly or not).

As a musician, you’re going to be exposed to drugs. Statistics tells me that you’re gonna put some of ’em into your body. Some of you may end up being exposed to lots of drugs and put hitherto-unknown-to-science concoctions into your body.

It’s just math!

Really, getting shitfaced is an occupational hazard. If you’re not careful, you’ll start bumping into cones and other assorted objects! We should probably be forced to wear hard hats – or at least high vis vests. I’m calling OSHA.

Shit, I’ve seen musicians who needed a bib as PPE and hotel rooms that would have been a field-day for a forensics unit. It can happen to the best of ’em.

The best solution, so far, has been to not let drugs or alcohol impact your life to the point where it fucks up your ability to manage your time. If you do, you have broken a rule. It’s highly likely to incur a penalty and the severity of that penalty can be quite harsh. (Wear your safety goggles at all times!)

It is in the interest of that, that I go right ahead and say that you should practice “harm reduction,” if you’re going to use. It’ll help you manage your time better. It’ll still keep you productive – and probably also have the benefit of keeping you alive longer.

To think, I have been paid to perform in high schools during the Nancy Reagan era – doing the “Just Say No” thing! Yup, I’m pretty sure those were federal dollars that paid the band I was in. It’s one of the most absurd times in my life. In hindsight, it seems a bit surreal.


I’m not sure what you want to take from this – if anything.

It’s not like I’m going to tell you don’t do drugs. This is me. I’m saying do them responsibly – and know what you’re putting into you, and how much you’re putting into you. Practice harm reduction.

If you’re going to inject, learn safe injection methods. You can buy your rigs at the pharmacy, or even get them exchanged for free. They’re single use devices. If you’re going to shoot pills, that’s fucking stupid. If you’re going to do it, at least invest in a real micron-level filter.

Know what you’re snorting, whatever. People put drugs into themselves in a whole host of ways and insufflation is a pretty common method. They’ll stick drugs in their ass, their eyeball, wherever. Know what you’re putting in and how much.

Anyhow, that’s all the article you’re getting today.

It’s pretty much some warped PSA. We need to get OSHA involved! It’s a damned occupational hazard – not entirely different to black lung for miners!

In my imagination, I’m picturing a United Brotherhood of Cover Bands. This amuses me. However, that’s your box of crayons and you can color that picture any way you want! I’m not typing it out.

Until next time…

Shut up and play us a song!

(Or not. I will not play guitar again until tomorrow. I will not even practice. Take a day off and watch August Rush, maybe?)

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